Hi guys! I have some time to write today so why not write regarding things that I’ve been thinking about.
A few weeks ago, my high school alma mater had their homecoming game, and I decided it was a good time to get everyone rounded up and go. We had an invite on facebook to get the word out and there was actually a really good showing, especially from my class, so it was awesome, in my opinion.
When I started high school and throughout the 4 years I was there, I bounced from social circle to social circle. Part of this was due to who I was dating. When I was a freshman, I was dating a Junior so I got to know the upperclassman a bit. When that fizzled, I found myself kind of lost and found a few girls I enjoyed hanging out with, which then turned into a bigger group of girls. Once a few of my friends I met playing softball got to high school, I jumped back and forth between two groups of people and man alive, I remember some of the insane things people did to make fun of or bully people around me. I cringe when I think about it, but it also brings up memories of when I was bullied so I thought I would share so people understand how it sticks with people years later.
I was bullied quite a bit. When I was a freshman and my oh so cool Junior boyfriend dumped me, a few of his friends made fun of me, regularly. It was humiliating as a 14 year old to have 16 and 17 year olds pick on you. I wanted to crawl into hiding, but I clung to my softball teammates, that ended up being the best thing for me anyway, I spent most of my time with them and you find that the older teammates try to protect you from assholes (for lack of a better word, sorry guys).
Sophomore year, I had some new friends and they were all gorgeous. Literally all of them. I think I mentioned in a previous post I was always the awkwardly sized friend. I hit my maximum height of 5’7 when I was 11 and I was a bit heavier than most in my grade. Well I had it once I was a sophomore. I decided, I needed to lose weight so winter vacation came and I started eating well and I ran about 3 miles a day. By the time our 3 week vacation was over, I’d lost 10 pounds and most of it in my waist. First day back…one of the guys on the football team, that used to make fun of me for being fat, started a rumor when I got up to use the restroom, that I must have an eating disorder because I just couldn’t of lost weight like that in 3 weeks. I came back from the bathroom and people were staring…it was so awkward. Flash to the next period and there were a group of girls from my previous class that shared this one with me as well, they told me what the guy said and I about lost my mind. I couldn’t win. I’m fat I get made fun of, I lose weight and apparently I have an eating disorder. Really? I tried to be “tough” but I remember going home and crying so hard. People were so MEAN. But it made me mean. I started being a jerk.
Junior year…I was pretty busy. I had taken on being in charge of the student spirit group, lots of planning, lots of yelling, etc. I thought everything was going to be perfect this year…that didn’t last super long. My brother joined the football team, and anybody that knows Kevin knows he is the NICEST person on the planet, for real. I always felt protective of him, even as the little sister. Like I said, I didn’t put up with people’s shit so I wouldn’t let anybody give him any. Well we would hang out with people after the football games and stuff, it was a different crowd than what I was used to but I didn’t think much of it. Well I decided to throw a party or something and I invited people on MySpace (talk about a flashback right). Well of course someone decided to twist my words and then posted this really horrid drawing where my face from a picture on my profile was cropped onto it. I was horrified. I locked myself in my room and was bawling and BEGGING people to take it down, and then more people reposted it. All of this before a pep rally the next day where I had to talk in front of the entire school. I got to school and there were a bunch of guys on the football team that just mocked me and made fun of me. I was so embarrassed. I held it together for the rally but the second it was over I burst into tears when the quad emptied. I remember walking into a coach’s classroom with tears running down my face and having to tell him what happened because I wasn’t going to let someone make fun of me, especially when I was throwing tailgate parties and events to support their sports team. I gave names and he called coaches and I skipped class and sat out in the quad the rest of the day. (This is hard for me to write so sorry if I’m all over the place but). I was approached by a few players on the team that apologized. One of them a long time friend and a couple others that I knew didn’t have accounts online to even be involved, but they saw my sadness. I found out later that the ones that started it were disciplined and then still talked about me because “I couldn’t take some teasing”. There was a girl that overheard them and she snapped and reminded them that I didn’t have to do what I was doing to support them and get people to come out to their games but I continued to do it because I cared about the school and enjoyed it. They got quiet real quick. I don’t think the girl that did this knows how much I appreciated that gesture but I did beyond words. I was so happy when football season ended that year and I didn’t have to put up that front anymore. I eventually even removed myself from a group of girls I hung out with regularly because they hung out with this crowd all of the time, and I simply couldn’t face them anymore, I was too embarrassed and I didn’t want them to think I was okay with them treating me poorly. If I kept hanging out with them then they thought it was okay to be assholes, and it wasn’t so that was my way of putting my foot down. Instead I went back to my softball teammates, where I was happiest. I was pretty flipping happy when the Class of 2007 graduated. By no means was I happy that the whole class would be gone, my brother graduated that year, but that meant that the people that regularly made me second guess myself and want to just stay in hiding when they were near, would be gone. It was a relief to me.
Senior year…you were a good one. I don’t have any bad memories of that year, THANK GOD.
I do hope that I didn’t do anything to hurt anybody or bully them, if I ever did I AM SORRY BEYOND WORDS. You read what I dealt with above and I admit I cried recounting the memories, they hurt me, deeply. I mean I’ve gotten over them but it still hurts when I think about them. Just please, think about what you do or say to someone because it sticks for a very long time. It does teach you a lot but it doesn’t make it “okay”. Not everybody gets over it, for some it’s a long lasting pain.
Sure, I don’t let it mold me and I took plenty of measures to get away from the mean people, but sometimes people literally can’t get away from it, it’s everywhere. Please, I encourage you, if you have been bullied and it still eats at you, tell someone. If you’ve bullied someone, please say sorry and mean it. So if you don’t mean it don’t bother because it’s easy to see through a phony apology, but take the time to think about how your actions may of hurt somebody else.
Even as adults now, I still see the bullying or the asshole-ness. So bringing it back to my opening comments about how I just saw several people for the first time in 7 years at this homecoming game, I STILL WITNESSED CATINESS. Girls that wouldn’t talk to other girls for crap that is trivial as hell. Stuff from years ago, or a couple boyfriends ago, that still drives a wedge between people. IT’S NOT WORTH IT. I’m going to pull a Drake and say YOLO because seriously, you like to hold onto hate or grudges? I know I don’t, so I can’t imagine it’s fun for others.
Anthony and I had a discussion last night about how we wish that people from our past that we may of hurt/bullied/whatever you want to call it, know we want them to do well. There’s one person I can think of that I want to apologize to, but I don’t know if I will have the guts to actually get it to that person. It’s been a long time and the last time we talked, it was because I was angry over something of mine being thrown away, talk about trivial crap. So in case anybody know who I’m talking about, please let him know I hope he is doing well. I know there are things I did and said over the years that would say otherwise, but I mean it. I don’t wish bad things upon him, ever. I don’t have room for those types of emotions anymore.
I know this was long, and it was a bit scattered, but to me it all tied together somehow! If this brings forward any emotions or discussions, please let me know. Especially if it’s something that makes you want to meet up. There’s quite a few people I want to get in touch with and see how they’re doing so if you get a message/call/text from me, don’t be surprised.
Thanks for reading, guys!