I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. The notion that we’re going from one child to two, a family of three to a family of four. It has been weighing so heavily on my mind.
I always said I wanted two kids. For as long as I can remember and I assume that to be a product of what I grew up in, a family of four. Four just sounds right in my head so I’ve always just seen that as my future.
I remember taking the pregnancy test. Kennedy wasn’t even 11 months old yet, just a couple days shy. My period was due and I knew it wasn’t coming. I hadn’t said anything out loud but I had a feeling I was pregnant. Kennedy woke up at 4 AM and I fed her a bottle and placed her back in her crib. I had to pee. Just as I was about to go I stopped and thought, “THE TEST!” I bought two the day before and had them in my car. I rushed out, grabbed it and went to take it. It was blazing positive almost instantly. I was in disbelief.
I posted a picture of it into my mom group and said…”Uh, this just happened this morning…” My mind was a blur. I stayed up because there was no way I was going to be able to sleep again. I got ready for work. Kennedy woke up so I got her ready. I wondered if I should tell Anthony right away or wait til I took a digital test. He came into the kitchen and I instantly said, “I have something to tell you.” He looked a little confused. I whipped the test out of my purse and handed it to him. He was SO excited. I was excited, nervous, terrified, amazed, basically every emotion known to mankind.
It didn’t kick in until later but it kicked in when I took two more tests and had two more positives that I was sad. I was mourning. It happened when I looked at my sweet K and realized I was already giving her a sibling. I was already going to take my attention and split it in half and my heart broke. I cried. I felt horrible and like I was ruining something, that I was going to ruin her and I.
I got home and I stared at Anthony and cried again. He asked me what was wrong and I explained it to him. He hugged me and said it was going to be okay and I deep down know he is right but it still didn’t feel right in that moment.
I was terrified to have a daughter when I found out I was pregnant with Kennedy. There’s always this stigma that girls are “Daddy’s girls” and boys are “Mama’s boys” so I thought that I wasn’t going to have the connection to her that I wanted because of it.
Was I wrong. I’ve tried to explain it in a way that can be understood but simply put, she is my little soulmate. While our kids are half of you and half of your significant other, and most commonly we refer to our significant other as our soulmate, which Anthony is, but I think you have more than one. There are people that just touch your heart in a way that in unexplainable.
My little fireball K is one of those. She softened me, she taught me patience (even though some days there isn’t enough of it), she’s showed me unconditional love, pure joy, humor, silliness…I could go on forever. But what really gets me is her heart. She’s a lover, through and through. She will come up to you while you’re in the kitchen and cling to your leg. If you’re sitting on the ground, she’ll walk over to you turn around and lower herself into your lap. She’ll walk behind you while you’re sitting on the ground and hug your back and then look at you over your shoulder as if to say, “Hi, it’s me!” Her giggle is 3 times the size of her, her smile is too.
It’s those things that let me know she’s going to love being a big sister which helps me as a mom process going from 1 to 2 little ones and that our family of 3 is about to be 4. She’s going to give us plenty of shouts of her 3rd favorite word, “Bayyyy-beeee” when she sees him and I’ll turn into a puddle of mush. Even though it’s going to be an adjustment I’m thankful my little Kennedy was my first born. I don’t think I could have had a more perfect little soul to teach me how to be a mother. I’m thankful for her and that time I’ve had of just her, Anthony and I.
I think I’ll still be nervous for this coming change to our family but we aren’t too far off from our new normal. It’ll be March before we know it! Until then I’ll soak up the time I have and make sure we have plenty of Kenny dates with lots of hugs, giggles and cuddles.